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In Part One, I described the night 25 years ago I drowned in a San Diego hotel pool at the age of five and what I saw when I died. One of the Marines who provided life-saving CPR, Joe Taitingfong, read the article and sent me the newspaper clipping pictured above! It means the world that he read it and enjoyed it. I obviously can’t thank him and his ex-wife, Rachel, enough. The whole article can be read at the bottom of this week’s newsletter.

Today I get into the ways my NDE changed me. I give the same disclosure as last time: If any part of this article sounds too unbelievable, outrageous, melodramatic, conceited, heretical, and/or woo-woo, then… ha ha! I’m just joking! Gotcha!

But to those with open hearts and open minds, everything you are about to read is true, to the best of my knowledge¹.

I said last week that during my light atheism phase, I began telling myself that my Near Death Experience (or NDE) must have been the result of chemicals releasing in my brain due to lack of oxygen. The truth is, that could totally be what happened. To paraphrase the first Thor movie, maybe “(paranormal phenomena) is science we don’t understand yet.”

Chemically induced or not, though, my NDE changed me forever, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. The International Association of Near-Death Studies (IANDS) published this fact sheet about NDEs. In Part One I shared some of the common features I experienced during my NDE. Today I dive into the effects I experienced afterward and the impacts it continues to have, most of which I didn’t recognize until I finally started processing it all in therapy last year.

None of what I’m about to dive into makes me any more special than anyone else. In fact, an estimated 5% of the world’s population— or 1 in 20 people— have experienced an NDE. I share what I’m sharing because it helps me validate, process, and reclaim what I experienced. If it helps you too somehow, all the better.

I was always a little cavalier when people asked me about drowning, because I seemed to have bounced back so quickly. My go-to line was, “Ah, drowning’s not so bad.” I kind of believed it, because all I could remember was the peace, love, and clarity of mind that came with my NDE.

My therapist knew it probably wasn’t that simple. She told me how trauma is stored in the body (I haven’t read it yet, but there’s a popular book about it). I had never really considered my NDE to be “traumatic,” but when I considered the amount of water my little lungs took in, sinking me to the bottom of the pool for at least 8-12 minutes… yeah, that’s some pretty heavy physical trauma.

Trauma like that is sure to reveal itself through physical symptoms, my therapist said. She asked if I ever have trouble breathing or choking. My jaw dropped.

I choke while drinking water all. the. time. Not literally, but definitely multiple times a week. Maybe even once a day. “Went down the wrong pipe,” I always say, but my pipes do not work as well as most people’s. Food? Food tends to go down just fine. It’s liquid I choke on.

I frequently choke on my spit too, embarrassingly enough. Far too often, I’m sitting quietly in school, work, or a movie theater, and I get a random coughing spasm from simply swallowing or inhaling the wrong way. For a long time the only way to stop such a fit was drinking water (assuming that too didn’t go down the wrong pipe). I could wait it out, but it often took an excruciatingly long time. My therapist encouraged me to try reminding myself during these fits, either verbally or mentally, that I’m safe. It sounded corny as hell— why wouldn’t I be safe??— but I’ve found it works like a charm. I start choking, and within a few seconds, I can quell it by consciously remembering I’m safe.

“Everyone chokes on water or has random coughing spasms sometimes.” That’s what one of my brothers said, and he’s probably right. But when I told my wife, her mind was as blown as mine. She can back up that my choking fits are way too frequent lol

A much weirder physical symptom is that watches— yes, wristwatches— die on me within weeks of wearing. Brand-new watches simply stop working within a month or two. I always thought it was just bad luck until my therapist brought it up— it’s another common symptom for NDE experiencers, something to do with electromagnetic waves or whatever.

I don’t experience issues with other technologies, I don’t think. My phone batteries start dying quickly after a few years of use, but I think that’s just how Apple gets you to buy a new one.

They say NDE experiencers tend to experience changes to their sleep patterns, appetites, and greater sensitivity to light and sound. It’s been too long to say if any of that was true for me, but I’d love to Freaky Friday with someone who hasn’t died and see what kind of differences I notice in their body lol

IANDS has another fact sheet about childhood NDEs. They say children are more likely to experience alternate methods of perception, including heightened synesthesia— seeing sound, smelling colors, etc. I don’t know about smelling colors, but as a kid, any song I liked came with corresponding colors and patterns in my head. It’s dulled as I’ve gotten older :/

I’m not sure how much my actual personality changed after my NDE. I would love to put pre- and post-drowning 5 year old me’s in a room and see how they interact. Nobody in my family noted any personality changes, as far as I’m aware. But it’s impossible to experience death as a child and not have it affect the way you carry yourself through the world.

I know I had increased confidence, whether because I knew firsthand I was an eternal being of unlimited potential or because everyone told me God saved me for a reason. I know the two aren’t mutually exclusive, but I didn’t need to survive to still be an eternal being of unlimited potential lol. But anyway, somewhere along the way, that confidence got misplaced and I convinced myself I, a middle class kid from the middle of nowhere with no wealth or connections, could make it in ✨show business✨. My NDE, combined with being a straight, white guy in America, really did a number on my psychology there that I’m still getting over. Unlimited potential ≠ the capacity or need for wealth and fame.

IANDS finds that children who have NDEs often display greater intelligence and maturity. I was certainly no child-genius, but I was the only kid in my kindergarten class reading chapter books.

Post-NDE children also experience heightened distress from news media and popular media. Imagine how rough it was when 9/11 happened exactly three months later. Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped about a year after my drowning too. The local news and newspapers were daily fixtures in my house, bombarding me with images of terrorists, war, and very Utahn kidnappers. For the most part, I was brave and faced it head on. I enjoyed being an unusually smart kid who read the newspaper. But there was a time in elementary school after seeing some particularly haunting images of war victims when I finally had to ask my dad if we watch PBS Kids in the morning instead of the news.

I think I was always a sensitive, empathetic kid, but I wouldn’t doubt that my NDE amplified those traits. “Increased sense of connectedness to and concern for others” is another common one. I’m not saying I’ve ever been a perfectly selfless, upstanding model citizen who spends all his time in the service of others, but I would say it goes a long way in explaining why I’m such a staunch, bleeding heart libtard leftist. I have an innate compassion for others and believe everyone deserves to be treated with dignity. That’s not to say I like everyone I meet, but I do think each and every human soul is worth more than, say, shareholder value or free markets.

A core contradiction to my personality has always been that, despite the sensitive, touchy-feelyness in my heart, I have a very subversive, irreverent, even dark² sense of humor. I tend to joke about uncomfortable things and heavy topics. I’m not unique in this, obviously, but I think my NDE gave me the perspective to never take things too seriously. It got me into trouble a lot in school and as an LDS missionary. One time my mom saw the following meme and said, “That’s you.”

But c’mon! I saw death! I had inside knowledge that our time on Earth is short, and much, much smaller than what comes next. You gotta be able to joke and laugh about how ridiculous mortal life is (as long as you’re punching up, not down, of course).

The strangest and most pronounced psychological effect of my NDE has gotta be the deja vu. I get deja vu at least once a week, sometimes more. I always thought everyone did, but most people I tell that to are stunned. It’s not that impressive, though, to tell you the truth. I don’t really get deja vu during big, important moments of my life. I get it during random, boring times like when I’m driving or sitting at home.

I think the deja vu stems from seeing a preview of my life during my NDE, but it kind of reminds me of that line from Chicken Run:

Occasionally, I’ll get premonitions. Sort of. More like gut feelings about stuff. For instance, I’ve had multiple planned trips— tickets bought, hotels reserved, everything— that I just felt deeply weren’t going to happen for some reason. Then sure enough, the trips got cancelled thanks to Covid or Sesame Place unexpectedly closing for the winter.

Very rarely I’ll see something quite clearly. I swear I once had a vision of my daughter before she was born, which was a wonderful gift, because we had previously experienced a miscarriage and were terrified of another.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to harness these things to predict the future or accomplish anything, nor do I know if I could. Sure would be neat though. Assuming I don’t use my powers for evil 😈

Loss of the fear of death. Increased interest in religion and spirituality. Very common traits for experiencers. My NDE confirmed a core tenet of the LDS beliefs I was raised with: there is life after death.

But it didn’t confirm everything, and in Mormonism³, there is no room for exploration or experimentation with faith. The LDS Church is the only true church on Earth, end of story. Other churches have pieces of truth, but only Mormonism holds the complete truth. If I had suggested otherwise as a kid… well, it was unthinkable. So despite my NDE not perfectly fitting the Mormon mold, I not only remained true to Mormonism— I dove deeper. I was the most devout, knowledgeable little Mormon around.

I did lose the fear of death, but I gained the fear of sinning. Sinning without repenting would hold you back from living with God and your family in the Celestial Kingdom. And don’t go thinking you can just sin and repent later! That’s even worse!

Luckily, I was off the hook for the first few years after drowning, because sins only start counting once you reach the age of 8— the “age of accountability” according to Mormon doctrine. The age you get baptized and wash away your sins (that you haven’t committed yet because they didn’t count before… make sense?).

I remember kind of dreading turning 8, knowing that if I had died when I drowned or if I simply got hit by a bus or something before my 8th birthday, I would get a free pass to Heaven. How I wished I could’ve been born “outside of the covenant,” live a normal life for 30 or so years, and then convert to Mormonism, all my sins washed away in adulthood. Or better yet, that I could just a live a normal life and then be baptized when I’m dead.

All normal things for a child to be thinking!

You all know by now I left Mormonism in 2019 and didn’t believe much of anything in the ensuing years. The cool thing about re-engaging with my NDE over the past year is that it’s allowed me to re-experience many post-NDE traits, including increased interest in spirituality. Funny enough, there’s a tendency among adult experiencers to leave religion and become “spiritual, not religious.” As an active Mormon, and as a newly ex-Mormon, I derided the phrase “spiritual but not religious.” It felt like a cop-out and too woo-woo for my taste.

Now? I’m spiritual, not religious, and I’m proud! I love the woo-woo, baby! I don’t know about crystals, spells, etc. yet, but I love being open-minded about what’s out there in the universe; what could be achieved if we tap into our collective consciousness. It feels great to have a universal love for the brother-and-sisterhood of mankind (again, not that I like everyone I know, but more broadly speaking). I love knowing that I’ve barely scratched the surface of what’s possible regarding spirituality, consciousness, and transcendence.

Another common post-NDE trait I got to re-experience is “reduced interest in material possessions, fame, and power.” I guess that’s where my filmmaking ambitions went. I don’t know that I’m against material possessions (I do still love collecting 4K and Blu-ray discs), but I find myself more and more disgusted by our society’s rampant consumerism and treatler culture.

There are some things I wish I could blame on my NDE, but I don’t think I can. My slow metabolism. My semiannual sinus infections. My aloofness and distractibility. Those are all probably genetic or otherwise baked in from the start.

Having an NDE did not and does not make me a good person. I still struggle with impatience, insensitivity, stubbornness, anger, judgmentalness, laziness, selfishness, poor listening skills, self-pity… I could go on and on.

An NDE doesn’t even make that special. Like I said, they think 1 in 20 people have had one. That’s pretty darn common.

But learning more about my NDE has taught me a lot about myself and the kind of life I want to live.

For instance, my wife and I recently made the decision that we are one-and-done parents. We didn’t have our daughter intending her to be an only child, but as her personality came through, we realized our family already feels complete with just her. She’s so smart, funny, and talented, it honestly feels like we’d be doing her a disservice to make her share our time, attention, and resources with a sibling(s).

No shame on anyone who has multiple kids— I know how much work it is to raise one, and I salute you 🫡— but I love pouring all of my time and attention on just one. Having my daughter gave me new perspective on what my drowning must have been like for my parents. I can’t imagine how terrified they must have been or what they would have felt if I hadn’t survived. And I kind of have to laugh when I read the newspaper article and it says, “Apparently, while keeping up with their other five children, the Holladays didn’t notice little Sammy making his way out of the shallow end…”

I think my parents would be the first to admit six kids is too many lol. I hope my parents know I think they’re great and did the best job they could raising us. But still! Six! ⁴

With no religious obligation to have as many kids as possible, I always thought I’d have two, maaaaayyyybe three kids. Or zero. Nobody tells you can just have one! But it’s great! Remember last week when I said I got to attend the Taitingfongs’ medal ceremony in San Diego, and it was the only substantial time I got to spend with just me and my parents? I get to give my daughter that experience all the time. I find it very fulfilling and healing.

I love my siblings, don’t get me wrong. And it was tough for such a sensitive, little guy in a big, loud, sarcastic house sometimes. (Any siblings reading this are probably rolling their eyes or thinking of something snarky to say, but that’s exactly what I’m talking about!! lol)

If I had any advice for family members of a Near Death Experiencer, or if I could go back and offer some to my parents when it happened, I’d show them this document from IANDS:

And to any parents out there, I’d also add: MAKE YOUR KIDS WEAR FLOATATION DEVICES IN THE WATER!! As my parents did immediately after my drowning:

“Steven Spielberg made a new alien movie” should be all I have to say to get you to see his new film, Disclosure Day. If one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, at the ripe age of 79, decides he needs to make his fifth major motion picture about aliens (after Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, War of the Worlds [2005], and who can forget Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull), it’s up to all of us to shut up and pay attention. In fact, without spoiling anything, that may be the most important line in the film: “Listen.”

Spielberg’s got a lot he wants to say with Disclosure Day, not just about communication with alien life, but the ways humanity communicates with each other, on mass and interpersonal scales. He pleas for greater empathy, questions the value of theology, and more or less calls the U.S. government a bunch of liars, all within the framework of a pulse-pounding thrill ride. With the film’s breathless pace, not everything congeals by the end, and the plot’s believability in 2026 is debatable, but it’s a joy to watch a master of the craft still displaying such grand ambition and optimism.

The movie wastes no time dropping us into story: Daniel Kellner (Josh O’Connor of Wake Up Dead Man and Challengers) is a defected cybersecurity expert out to blow the whistle on his former employer, Wardex, a government-contracted corporation that has been covering up alien encounters for almost 80 years. His mission puts him and his girlfriend, Jane (Eve Hewson, Bono’s daughter, I just learned) on the run from Wardex CEO Noah Scanlon (Colin Firth).

Meanwhile, weather reporter Margaret Fairchild (Emily Blunt) suddenly develops preternatural abilities to read people’s minds and speak multiple languages, including a creepy, clicky alien tongue, live on the air. The broadcast gets to Wardex, forcing Margaret to flee and track down Daniel. Together, Daniel and Margaret, under the direction of the mysterious Hugo (Colman Domingo), aim to reveal all of Wardex’s secrets to the world, all at once: an act they call Disclosure Day.

In his old age, Spielberg doesn’t seem to make as many movies as he used to— Disclosure Day is his 35th(!!) film, his first in four years— but as a result, his recent films take on more weight as it’s clear Spielberg is calculating what he wants to offer the world with the time he has left. His West Side Story (2021) was an invigorating and timely excoriation of prejudice and gentrification. 2022’s The Fabelmans was an astoundingly vulnerable self-portrait of his early years and parents’ divorce, a late masterpiece that recontextualizes his entire filmography.

In returning to the alien well once again, Spielberg aims to synthesize the awe of Close Encounters, the tenderness of E.T., and the terror of War of the Worlds into one more crowd-pleasing package. He’s playing the hits, sure, but he’s also making his final statement on what it would mean if we weren’t alone in the universe. It would require humanity to shed our egos and long-held notions about where we come from and where we’re going. Most importantly, we would have to acquire deeper, more profound levels of empathy— a quality one character calls “the foremost evolutionary trait—” than ever before.

It’s a beautiful message, one I fully support, but I question if humanity has the capacity in 2026 to come together the way Spielberg envisions. In our fractured attention economy, I kind of doubt a real Disclosure Day, even with verified alien footage, would make much of a dent on social media. Trump’s UFO files, meant to distract from Iran and the Epstein files, sure haven’t. I also don’t fully buy the character Jane, a former nun’s, argument that proof of alien life would topple the religious faith of billions. It’s an interesting idea, but I’ve witnessed plenty of religious people discard cold, hard evidence against their beliefs without a second thought.

Spielberg’s optimism is admirable, nonetheless. I want to believe!! And he characteristically gets great performances from his actors to sell his ideas. Emily Blunt, in particular, gives career-best work in an absolutely stunning performance as Margaret, a woman with abilities she doesn’t understand and cannot control, pulled toward a destiny bigger than herself. I’ve never been a particularly big fan of Blunt, but Spielberg unlocks her full star potential here, and I hope her performance is recognized come Awards Season.

But if all you’re after is a big, fun summer blockbuster, not to worry. Spielberg remains the king of kinetic action. The movie is essentially a 145-minute chase, barreling towards the titular Disclosure, and no one is better at framing, blocking and camera movement (most directors these days don’t even seem to try 😒). In the mix is an enigmatic alien device that can (among other uses) turn people and objects invisible, which lets Spielberg conjure some of his most playful visuals in years.

Inshallah, Spielberg will keep making movies for many more years, but it’s important to appreciate what we have while we do: a master filmmaker, still at the top of his game, with plenty left to say about the world and beyond. We just have to listen.

Olivia Rodrigo has been my favorite popstar since “Deja Vu” dropped. Her new album, you seem pretty sad for a girl in love, is great. I don’t know if I like it more than her first two records, but it’s gratifying to see Olivia mature as an artist.

This morning, we got to go see KPop Demon Hunters in the theater. Great movie! Basically every theater chain around here shows morning kids movies during the summer for around $2 a ticket. I don’t usually get to go but I have today off for Juneteenth.

Happy Juneteenth, by the way! I don’t know why my work gave me Monday the 15th off instead of Friday the 19th. I’ll take any time off I can get, but Fridays make way better days off than Monday imo.

Toy Story 5! Oh man, I can’t believe I get to take my own kid to a new Toy Story. The original was my first movie in a theater, according to my mom (it came out four months before I was born, but movies used to stay in theaters for a while if you can believe it).

All four Toy Stories mean an awful lot to me (Toy Story 4 haters can go straight to hell), and 5 is getting great early buzz, so I’m very excited.

Thanks for reading! Now, here’s that full newspaper article: