I generally agree with Quentin Tarantino’s declaration that the 2020s are one of the worst eras in filmmaking history, insofar as that the base level of quality you can expect from any given movie playing at your local movie theater is about as low as it’s ever been. We’re absolutely inundated with movies that sound fake, look bad, and are probably the result of some money laundering scam. So it’s an absolute delight when one of those movies with a trailer and poster that makes you go, “Huh?”— in this case, The Sheep Detectives, a movie about CGI sheep solving a murder mystery— actually turns out to be good.

The Sheep Detectives centers on a flock of timid sheep and their kindly shephard, George (Hugh Jackman), who reside just outside the English town of Denbrook. George is known as the town misanthrope, but he loves his sheep and reading them murder mystery novels aloud. When George mysteriously dies, the sheep, led by the “bravest sheep,” Lily (voiced by Julia Louis-Dreyfus), have to face their fears and unravel the crime before George’s $30 million inheritance— earned from a patented sheep medication— falls in the wrongs hands.

Amongst the cast of human suspects is Caleb (Tosin Cole), a fellow shepherd who desired a business deal with George; Beth (Hong Chau), George’s spurned would-be lover; and Rebecca (Molly Gordon), George’s long-lost daughter. A bumbling police officer (Nicholas Braun) and an up-and-coming journalist (Nicholas Galitzine) work together to solve the mystery, but they wouldn’t get far without Lily and her fellow ruminants, the gruff Sebastian (voiced by Bryan Cranston), and the gentle Mopple (voiced by Chris O’Dowd).

The Sheep Detectives is the first live-action feature from Kyle Balda, a director of several Illumination Animation hits such as Despicable Me 3 and Minions: Rise of Gru. Unlike those pictures, Sheep Detectives does not talk down to its family audience or move at a rapid-fire pace. It’s smart and considered in its unfolding, taking its time to set up the characters and stakes, and its themes of grief and religious deconstruction (you read that correctly) are surprisingly mature.

Some credit surely belongs to writer Craig Mazin (creator HBO’s Chernobyl and The Last of Us, adapting the German novel Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann), who locates the humor and heart of the story with precision, often in the same beat. For instance, the flock of sheep believes that when a sheep dies, they return in the form of a cloud. You can bet that pays off in ways both funny and heart-wrenching.

So yes, the movie where CGI sheep solve a murder mystery is, in fact, good. Who would’ve thought? I hope the word of mouth is strong enough to turn it into a hit, because lord knows we need more live-action family comedies, especially good ones.

First of all, what a title. Secondly, I’ll admit I have no strong feelings on Billie Eilish one way or the other. I’m more of an Olivia Rodrigo or Chappell Roan guy— and a devout Swiftie by marriage. But I am a James Cameron guy through and through (I will be writing about the criminally underrated greatness of Avatar: Fire and Ash when it drops on Disney+), so of course I’ll go see a 3D concert film he co-directed (Eilish herself being the other director).

It’s not hard to see what drew Cameron to the project. Like Sarah Connor or Ellen Ripley before her, Eilish is Cameron’s type of tough, headstrong leading lady. In interviews with Eilish’s fans, Cameron demonstrates the same kind of respect for young women and that he conveyed through Rose Dawson and Kiri Sully. And the behind-the-scenes footage is replete with Cameron’s fetishization of technology and process.

As to be expected, the 3D footage looks astounding. I loved the depth of field in shots that include audience members’ phones in the foreground, Eilish in the focal plane, plus more crowds in the background, all in the same frame. And as a Cameron fan, I enjoy watching him in his kindly-grandpa era working with Eilish to bring the film to life.

However, if, like me, you’re only familiar with a few Billie Eilish songs, the two-hour runtime may grow tiresome. That’s not a critique of Eilish’s music or lyrical style. If you’re a fan, I’m sure you’ll have a great time. If you’re not a fan, I don’t know that this will make you one. It didn’t for me. But, oh, what 3D!

2021’s Mortal Kombat adaptation was a bit of a bore, but it came out during Covid, so it got a bit of a boost from people like me who were starved for big, dumb Hollywood movies. Besides, maybe the sequels would get better. That seemed to be what Warner Bros. were signaling when they pushed Mortal Kombat II from a modest October release date to a prime summer blockbuster slot.

But alas. Mortal Kombat II is not better. It’s a dorkier, uglier, even more boring affair that should’ve been dumped straight to streaming like its predecessor. There is no reason to not just stay home and play the games instead.

The nonsensical plot involves another tournament of fights to the death for the “fate of the world” or something. The heroes of the first film— Cole Young (Lewis Tan), Sonya Blade (Jessica McNamee), and Jax Briggs (Mehcad Brooks), etc.— are back, but they don’t matter much. This one centers on Hollywood action has-been, Johnny Cage (Karl Urban) and warrior princess, Kitana (Adeline Rudolph). They have to fight, because of reasons, and they need some magical amulet, also for reasons. I tuned out during the painfully bland exposition scenes.

The fight scenes aren’t much better though. Sure, there are some gnarly fatalities, but where’s the joy? Where’s the playfulness? The CGI is PS3-quality, with the human actors floating on the backgrounds unconvincingly. There was no way of knowing back in 2001, but it turns out Spy Kids is the most visually influential film of the 21st century.

The actors, bless their hearts, have nothing to play off of in the one green-screen room I assume they filmed the whole thing in. And the script gives them the most groan-worthy one-liners and comebacks that just bounce straight off the backboard.

I don’t mind the bad dialogue, strained plotting, or general nerdiness when it’s a video game. But stick it all wholesale into a movie, and the result is unbearable. Naturally, it ends by setting up a third film, and I hope I remember to stay home and just play the games next time.

Humans are full of contradictions. For instance, I crave art for art’s sake and the downfall of capitalism. But I also love when blockbuster movies collab with chain restaurants on tie-in menus. What can I say? I’m complex!

I once even started a TikTok account to document movie/food tie-ins, but it was too much work to keep up with (more than a weekly blog, that’s for sure), and I felt a little disgusted with myself. Both for promoting corporate products for free and for being on TikTok.

I’ve left TikTok behind, thank God, but what’s a little free corporate promotion between friends? Behold, I ate the entire Mandalorian and Grogu menu at Burger King! 

Did the King put his signature flame-broiled flavors into hyperdrive? Are these new menu items as delightful and satisfying as bringing down at AT-AT? Or do they taste like “poo-doo”? Somewhere in between, like The Mandalorian show, perhaps?

First of all, I’ve got some beef with the Burger King app, and not the delicious kind. It was my understanding, from the Burger King Newsroom press release, that the purchase of a Bounty Bundle (which comes with all four new items), a BBQ Bounty Whopper combo, or a 12-piece Grogu’s Garlic Chicken Fries combo comes with one of four exclusive, collectible cups. The Bounty Bundle seemed like the pick for me, seeing as I wanted to get my tastebuds on all of the galactic goodies, but that choice was conspicuously absent from the app’s menu. No worries, I thought, I’ll just order the BBQ Bounty Whopper combo for me and the Grogu’s Garlic Chicken Fries combo for my wife. Then we’ll both get a cup! Win-win! Right?

Our food was ready for pick-up when we arrived, and a very nice employee asked which cups I wanted. Just as I turned to view the displayed cups and make my choice, the employee’s manager snuck up behind him, pointed to my receipt, and told her employee that we didn’t order the right combos and to not give me the cups. 

The manager disappeared into her qabbrat, I assume, and I had to have a hearty back-and-forth with this employee (who, again, was perfectly nice; just trying to keep his job).  Apparently the issue is that the “official” BBQ Bounty Whopper and Grogu’s Garlic Chicken Fries combos are only order-able in-store. If you order just the BBQ Bounty Whopper/Grogu’s Chicken Fries in the app and click “make it a combo,” it doesn’t ring up as the “official” combos that guarantee a collectible cup. Make sense? No? Of course not. So the employee did the right thing; the thing that no American, Israeli, or Imperial military member is capable of doing apparently: he disobeyed his inhumane, unjust, unlawful orders and gave me the cups. 

With that ordeal out of the way, I didn’t have to Karen out again for the rest of the night, and I could try my luke(Skywalker)warm food in peace. 

BBQ Bounty Whopper® – (from Burger King Newsroom:) A flame-grilled ¼ lb. of 100% beef*, served in a helmet-shaped carton inspired by the galaxy's most legendary bounty hunter. Loaded with melty Swiss, crispy pickle chips, bacon, lettuce, tomato and smothered in creamy Bounty BBQ Sauce.

Star Wars-yness: 6/10. The Mandalorian was inspired by old Western TV shows (at least for the first two seasons), and this is basically a riff on a western bacon cheeseburger. I wish they had gone for a colored bun like past Burger King promos. Silver, like Mando’s armor? Sure, I would’ve eaten it. 

Taste: 6/10. I mean, it’s Burger King. We’re kind of grading on a curve here. The pickle chips were too small and overwhelmed by the BBQ sauce. 

Grogu's Garlic Chicken Fries – Crispy white meat Chicken Fries seasoned with parmesan and garlic, served in a Grogu-themed carton with garlic dipping sauce on the side to fuel your next adventure.

Star Wars-yness: 2/10. What does this have to do with Grogu or Star Wars? I guess I can see Grogu eating them, but I think he prefers a mother’s fertilized eggs, because Grogu is a cold, unfeeling, savage animal. 

Taste: 3/10. The ones we got were pretty dry, unfortunately, and the coating of flavor dust only made them dryer. They didn’t give us the garlic dipping sauce, unfortunately, and I didn’t want to Karen out again. My brother had some and said it was basically garlic-flavored liquid butter. Yuck.

Imperial Cheddar Ranch Tots – Perfectly crispy tots stuffed with melty cheddar cheese, fluffy potatoes, & ranch seasoning, served in an Imperial-themed carton.

Star Warsy-ness: 1/10. Minimal effort. 

Taste: 5/10. They’re fine. I preferred Mr. Krab’s Cheesy Bacon Tots. (Come to think of it, their SpongeBob Movie: Search for SquarePants menu was better, top to bottom. But it didn’t come with collectible cups.) 

Grogu's Blue Cookie Shake – A hyperspace swirl of creamy soft serve blended with blue sugar cookie syrup and topped with Grogu's favorite snack – blue cookies!

Star Wars-yness: 8/10. That’s more like it! We all know how Star Wars characters love eating the color blue, and now you can too.

Taste: 7/10. Generic “cookie” flavor, can’t complain. The cookie pieces were good. As a born-and-bread Utahn, I do prefer a thicker shake, but oh well. 

The cups: I had to choose a green one for Grogu, and— in a rush not to take up any more of the employee’s time— I picked blue because the color stood out more than brown or silver. I didn’t realize it featured… checks notes because I’ve never watched the cartoons Zeb Orrelios. Hm. Okay. They’re bigger and better quality than I expected though, and dishwasher safe despite what the label says. 

The toys: My daughter got a kids meal, and if you didn’t already know, kids meal toys have gone very downhill since their 90s/00s heyday. Gone are the days that a new Star War would get 31 unique kids meal toys all with a specific function. The Mandalorian and Grogu only gets 8 toys, and none of them do anything. 

My daughter got the Mandalorian figurine pictured above, and that’s it. That’s all it does. It just sits there. No light, no sound, no wheels, nothing. It’s like they were made for adult collectors instead of kids. Yuck. Or else they’re training kids to be collectors instead of play. Double yuck. They’re cooler than the Rise of Skywalker McDonald’s toys though imo. 

Overall, yeah, not the best movie tie-in menu I’ve ever seen. But the collectible cups go a long way. Most of these things don’t come with a souvenir, or you have to pay extra, like with the Denny’s Solo: A Star Wars Story cups. But that menu had pop rocks on pancakes, which is way more Star Wars-y than cheddar ranch tots. You win some, you lose some, I guess. 

One of these days I’ll have to do an article on the Movie Tie-In Menu Hall of Fame and the menu items I still dream about years later. Ten words: Denny’s The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Bilbo’s Breakfast Feast.

Governor Cox, Kevin O’Leary, and their stupid 9-gigawatt data center. Despite promises that the data center will be clean and self-sustaining, research suggests that the building would emit 23 atom bombs’ worth of energy PER DAY!! Does it sound wise to put that in the middle of a desert right as the diminishing Great Salt Lake becomes a ticking arsenic timebomb?

Obviously, hundreds of locals showed up to voice their disapproval to the three-person commission overseeing the project, who, of course, gave the project the go-ahead anyway. Cox has been throwing hissy fits because it hasn’t gone the way he imagined. O’Leary (who I admit was quite good in Marty Supreme last year) smeared the protesters as paid out-of-state agitators. One of the commissioners got teary-eyed describing how he followed the advice of “experts” and lawyers instead of the people he represents and now those people are rightfully mad at him. Boo-fuckin’-hoo if you ask me.

These data centers consume ungodly amounts of energy, passing the cost onto locals, and exist only to fortify the surveillance state and military-industrial complex. I’m proud of Utahns for standing against this one. These AI hucksters say their technology is an inevitability, but the future is only what we make it to be. Reject AI and reject these data centers!

Shout-out to all moms and mother figures this week, and happy belated Mother’s Day! I celebrated the mother of my child by getting her Raising Cane’s and taking her to the Tracy Aviary. It was my first time there, and it’s pretty impressive! We saw a great bird show and had some Dole whip! Best of all, it was sooooo much less crowded than the Hogle Zoo or Loveland Aquarium are on Mother’s Day. Highly recommend!

I also just started watching HBO’s Euphoria at the behest of my wife, and lol. Lmao, even. That’s all I have to say for now.

It’s my cat, Moonie’s 5th birthday this Wednesday. Everyone say, “Happy birthday, Moonie!”

Next Week: Probably Is God Is or Obsession. Perhaps a Shrek retrospective? It’s back in theaters for the 25th anniversary. That’s right. You’re old!